Wednesday, 12 February 2014

"I'm back......

… let you know, I can really shake ‘em down."

Unfortunately, unlike the lyrics to the song, I still can’t dance, except after a few glasses of wine, when obviously I become awesome. But by popular demand, ok two people casually mentioned it, I am back blogging.

I’ll be completely honest; I have lacked the motivation for anything recently. The changes in our lives with work, school and the girls spending less time with their Dad have taken all of us time to get used to. Life suddenly feels like Groundhog Day. Alarm, bath (shower is broken) girls up, battle getting them dressed and hair done, breakfast, battle over getting teeth cleaned /shoes on / coat on, walk to school battle over walking quicker / holding hands / not stepping in the dog poo. Work. Pick girls up from school. Home, reading, spellings,  battle over how much TV they can watch / who’s turn it is with the light up Cinderella doll / who’s the red monkey is. Cook tea, battle with CJ over getting tea eaten, wash up, bath, bedtime, tackle washing / ironing / tiding, lay face down on the sofa wondering why I’m so tired & stressed. Go to bed and set the alarm. Sound familiar?

Settling in for another night of TV and chocolate buttons, I feel a new guilt and anxiety that I should be using my child free time to better use. Surely I could be doing something productive (because I now seem to think the first 12 hours of my day haven’t been productive enough) I should be working towards providing the girls and I with a better future, because I know no one else will.

I have, however, become very good at convincing myself I don’t have the time / I’m too tired / its ok to just relax after I’ve been working all day together with the old favourites of I’m just not good enough and I’m being totally ridiculous.

But then I was given a little reminder of how to achieve a goal. I dropped and this time completely smashed my phone. Granted this was annoying but it forced to sort out the thousands of pictures and videos that were on there. There were three of CJ leaning crawl, then stand, then walk. Watching them made me think, how is it my child knows the key to success and I don’t. She knows its all about perseverance, getting up when she fell and trying again. I, it seems, have forgotten. As adults how often do we fall, or even just stumble and then sit on our arses and not bother even trying to get up? The even bigger question is what will I regret more, the criticism, the potential failure or not having given it a damn good try?

So this is me, metaphorically, getting off my arse, because if I want to write, I have to, well write. There will undoubtedly be days when the sofa and naff TV will win over doing something more productive, or when what I write may only be good for the bin, but I have two of the best reasons in the world to achieve my goals. So I will keep on getting up, and not just to get more chocolate buttons.

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