Travelling Alone

A rare thing occurred this week, a friend and I both had time when our children would be with their Dad’s, so we decided to make the most of it and go for a short UK city break. So a hotel was booked and train tickets were bought. But unfortunately my friend was not well so had to cancel at the last minute. So I was left with a choice, do I go alone or should I stay at home? As I’d already paid for everything I thought ‘sod it’ and went alone. It occurred to me on my way to the station that I’ve never travelled and stayed in a hotel by myself before. Here’s what I learned:

1. Reading material is vital. Train journeys, a hot chocolate in Starbucks and dinner are all a lot easier if you have something fun, and non embarrassing to read (not the time for 50 Shades of Grey!). It also stops you making accidental, repeated and extended eye contact with the odd man at the next table or the couple having a loud ‘discussion’.
2. Always check you have your purse with you before you go to the restaurant! Not realising it wasn’t in my bag till after I’d eaten, and with no one else to pay, lead to a fairly embarrassing conversation with the waitress, a quick run back to the hotel room, much relief at finding it on the bed and a big tip
3. Pack baby wipes! After four and a half years of having a nappy bag almost surgically attached to me, travelling without it I realised how often I use them, and apparently the kids aren’t the only ones who spill food
4. Having fun whilst travelling alone is without doubt a state of mind. There were certainly a couple of times when I thought it would have been more fun with two. But I spent 24 hours completely pleasing myself, I didn’t feel bad for wanting to spend an hour having one hot chocolate, wanting to go to bed at 9 and watch Forrest Gump or spending 10 minutes in admiration of a massive painting, although admittedly I was primarily wondering how the artist painted the top (art appreciation clearly isn’t my thing)

Ok I do know that it was one night away and not a solo round the world trip, but as with lots of things the first step is often the hardest, so making it a small one helped. I really enjoyed my solitary trip and most surprisingly I didn’t feel lonely or daunted, so I’ll definitely do it again, only next time I think I’ll venture further afield.

Mummy Friends

I have just got back from dropping the girls off to spend the half term holiday with their Dad. The great thing about doing that is I am able to combine this with seeing my mummy friends.

The arrival of IK into our lives also bought an influx of new friends. I actually made my first mummy friend whilst I was in hospital having IK. We were in opposite beds whilst being induced and then sat together, waiting for labour to start, in the middle of the night after our husbands had been sent home. Hers did and she had her baby in the early hours but I had to wait another 24 hours for IK to make her grand entrance into the world. On the post natal ward we were in opposite beds again and I took it as a sign and gave her my number. And so began our friendship. Through local baby groups I went on to meet lots of other mummies, some of whom I am now lucky enough to call friends.

Having mummy friends is great. Being a new mum can be a very lonely and there are times when you think you might just go crazy. So having people around you with children of the same age is a complete lifesaver. We have shared the tears, fears and general confusion that comes with early motherhood, the anxiety of going back to work and then the arrival of babies number two and in some cases three! We shared milestones big and small from first steps to the first poo on the potty. They have always been a great source of advice, ready to listen and happy to meet in the park to tire the children out!

After I’d had CJ the ex’s job meant he wasn’t really home for 2 months. I was left alone looking after a toddler and a 6 week old baby with reflux who screamed day and night! Exhausted just didn’t go far enough to explain how I felt. I was two hours away from my family and felt very low. But one lovely friend helped me out with IK so I could get a little bit of rest. I later found out she was in the early stage of pregnancy herself and suffering with dreadful morning sickness. It was such a lovely gesture that meant so much to me, and I will always be grateful for her support during that difficult time.

When I was packing to leave Essex I knew there would be a big hole in my life without my mummy friends, but I also knew that we needed to closer to family. So it was with a heavy heart that I said goodbye to the lovely ladies who had become so important to me. We have however been very lucky since we moved that we have started to make some new friends.

So my trip to Essex was great, after a rather wet day at the zoo with the kids me and a friend went for a very rare night out. What started off as a quiet dinner ended with us stumbling into a taxi at 2 am having been chatted up, had drinks bough for us and danced till our feet hurt. Slightly worse for wear, I then met three other lovely friends for a child free lunch. Three and a half hours later we were still sat in the restaurant all making the most of being able to have a conversation that wasn’t punctuated with ‘No don’t do that’ ‘play nicely’ ‘yes I’ll take you for a wee’ and ‘No you can’t have another snack’

I read a quote recently that said ‘Friends are like stars, you don’t have to see them to know they are there’ and I’m very lucky, my mummy friends are, without doubt, stars x 

The man jobs!

There are a few things that aren’t great about being single. It can be lonely, I have no one to go to the cinema with and I miss having someone to cuddle. But by far and away the worst is I now have to do all the man jobs. Now please don’t misunderstand me, I’m all for woman’s rights, equal opportunities and feminism, after 5 years at an all girls school its practically ingrained in my soul! But there are certain jobs I just think are man jobs – They are pretty much anything to do with the car, anything that involves tools or any job where there is a possibility of getting dirty

Now to be fair to the ex he was pretty handy, and once motivated, he could do most man jobs which meant I spend 9 years not having to. Now it is just me I have to face the hard truth either I do the jobs or they don’t get done. First problem, tools. I can operate a screwdriver and a hammer but everything else is beyond my skill set, so I decided for safety’s sake just to stick with these. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find any pink ones, so I had to settle for red! Armed with my tools I set off into the slightly daunting and fairly dull world of man jobs.

I have found some jobs are ok; water in the screen wash, putting the bins out, changing the light bulbs or putting up pictures. Others are more onerous; dealing with the slug problem when I moved in my house (I HATE slugs), putting together CJ’s trike or sanding down and painting the table and chairs. My dad is great and is always on hand to help me (must needed when it comes to flat pack furniture), but I don’t like to ask for every little thing, so I have had to get better and quickly.

So when the shower starts overflowing again I get out my trusty plunger, when a cupboard door falls off I can screw the hinge back on and when I remember I check the oil in my car. Yes, I can do most man jobs….. but I really wish I didn’t have to! 

The last important date

Today would have been my 7^th wedding anniversary and after having been separated for nearly 11 months, this is the last important date that I had to face alone. The first was my birthday which was only about 6 weeks after he left. My family made a really big effort, they bought me a lovely present and we all went out for the day. My friends were lovely sending me flowers and chocolates, but the lack of my husband to share my day with made my heart feel heavy. But I got through the day with only a few tears and we have since celebrated Christmas, New Years, IK’s birthday, Valentines Day and Mothers Day as a family of three. Each one has got easier as more time has passed and we have adapted to our new life. A good friend asked me a few days ago how I would feel today and I said I really didn’t know, but I had always thought our wedding anniversary would be the hardest. Actually it hasn’t been hard at all

The girls and I had a lovely lunch and have spent the day enjoying the sunshine, and as I am writing this the girls are asleep and I am enjoying a glass of wine. I have thought briefly about our wedding day today, but at no point have I missed the ex. My main thought has been, on the day I got married did I really know what I was doing? I don’t know if I really thought through the implications of getting married at 24 and living my entire life with one person. I wonder if I fully understood the commitment that I was making that day. But I guess I was young, in love and full of hope; I thought we would be the lucky ones who made it work. Maybe I’m looking back at myself now through the pain and cynicisms of divorce. Either way I know that despite the heart ache and suffering I will always be glad that I married him. He gave me the two things no one else ever could, my girls. And now after 11 months I feel nothing for him, there is no more anger, sadness or pain, I know I finally have closure. So ‘Cheers’ to that!!!

Home Alone

My girls’ Dad is still very involved in their life and he sees them regularly, which is great for them. However, this means that every couple of weeks I have two or three days when they go and stay with him and I am home alone. I have found this is one of the strangest things about being a single mum and has been one of the hardest to adapt to.

One the one hand, day to day life with small children is hard work, and as much as we love our children, it can be draining. The daily routine, housework, discipline, dealing with tantrums can all be emotionally exhausting, so having some time to recharge the batteries is much needed.

Things like having a bath in the middle of the day, or an afternoon nap or spending a couple of hours reading a book or magazine I have found to be great ways to have some ‘me’ time when they aren’t at home. They are very indulgent and things that you just don’t get time to do as a mum of two little children. I also make the most of being able to go to the toilet unaccompanied, and drink a hot cup of tea when I made it, rather than having one cold mouthful an hour later!

But I miss them dreadfully. Being a full time mum means everything about my life is about them, so when they aren’t here I feel lost. The house is empty, quiet (and tidy!). I miss my morning cuddles, them climbing on my knee for a story or snuggling on the sofa to watch Peppa Pig. I miss us all sitting down for tea together and talking about our day and hearing them chat to each other when I’ve put them to bed at night.

The first few times they went I enjoyed the peace and quiet for about half an hour and then wandered aimlessly round the house or round town, convincing myself I was ok. But I wasn’t. They had a life I was no longer part of and it hurt. I wondered what I missing out on, would CJ take her first steps whilst I wasn’t there? (she didn’t!), what fun things were they doing? did they miss me? I felt angry that the time that should have been our ‘family time’ I was now excluded from.

But as the months have passed I have got more used to them being away. The girls love spending time with their Dad and come home full of stories which they can’t wait to tell me. So, I try to make the most of my time. I arrange to see friends and family, I go shopping and actually looking at things, I even stop for a relaxing coffee and cake! I’m on a fitness kick so I go to the gym, go swimming and I have even been away with a friend!

In many ways it’s like I have been given a little bit of my pre baby life back. Just enough to make me feel like me again….and make me even more grateful for my two gorgeous, funny, cuddly little ladies when they come home..

A rose by any other name

The day that I received my decree absolute in the post I had a tide of emotions, sadness, anger, relief and hope. But something else struck me, I had been officially divorced for 10 days and I hadn’t know!  I was so uninvolved in the process (the opposite of the day I got married). My solicitor had done all the paperwork, I hadn’t had to go to court, all I had to do was sign my name a few times! It then got me thinking about my name. The decision to change my name in the first place had been a simple one. I had never even considered keeping my maiden name once we were married and like most brides I was excited about being called Mrs for the first time and signing my new name!

But holding my decree absolute I started to wonder if I should change my name back. Was I a Hallam anymore? Could I be a Wood again? It began to feel like a bigger question that just a name. Who was I? So much of who I had been, was being someone’s wife and that was now gone. I felt like my identity had been dissolved along with my marriage. And as with the divorce its self, it had happened without me even realising it!

My first thought was that Hallam is the girls’ surname, and I did like the fact we all shared the name. There is also a very long list of people I would have inform if I changed it back, and the admin involved in that did not fill me with any joy! But on the other hand, it still felt like my ex’s name, not mine.

Being married and having the girls changed me in a thousand ways, big and small and I’m just not Emma Wood anymore (she had nicer boobs and a flatter stomach for a start!) I realised I can’t go back to who I was, I need to look to the future and decide who I want to be now

So for better or worse I am still Emma Hallam. And as for the question as to ‘who am I’ well the answer to that is I’m a mum, a daughter, a sister, an aunty and a friend. I’ve realised I’m strong, independent and at times overly emotional. I’m still a massive Friends fan, I love cake and I get grumpy when I’m hungry; the rest I guess I can figure out in my own time along the way

So this is me.......

Firstly, hello and thanks for reading my blog. My name is Emma and I am single mum to two gorgeous girls, IK and CJ. I have decided to start this blog to share the life, love and laughter of my life as a single mum.  Being a mum is with out doubt the most wonderful, amazing, rewarding, emotional, demanding, confusing and stressful journey any of us will undertake, and making that journey alone is a scary thing. So I thought I’d share a bit of what goes on in our life, if for no other reason, so one day my girls can look back on this amazing journey I’m privileged enough to be making with them.

So how did I end up here? Well the truth is I’m not sure, this time last year I was living a very different, very nice, life. I had a husband, a house, a dog, a part time job and of course my two gorgeous girls. I was living in Essex and had lots of lovely mummy friends. I’m sure any parent reading this can identify with the stress and strain of juggling two small children, work and a marriage, but I thought we were doing ok. Boy was I wrong! And that’s why 5 days after CJ’s first birthday my husband decided that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore and left and my nice little life came crashing down.

Looking back at those first few days I don’t know how I survived them. My sense of loss was immense and I thought it would engulf me. It all felt so unfair, why did this have to happen to me? What had I done wrong? Was I such a bad wife? Was I such a bad person? My mum got me through those awful few days, and looking back now I see our job as a mother is never finished, our children will always need us, in different ways. My mum and dad are amazing by the way, but I think more on them in another post. So 10 months on much is different in my life. The girls of course are still gorgeous, growing so quickly, changing and becoming their own people. But we live in Lincolnshire now, minus the husband, the dog, the job and the thing I miss most, my mummy friends. But I am finding that even though this isn’t the life I planned, I still loving it. Being a single mum is hard work, stressful and can be very lonely, but I wouldn’t change it, and I am determined to make a great life for us all, after all happiness isn’t the destination, it’s a way of travelling.