First days of School

Such a big day for every family. The first day of School. Almost since the day IK was born I have imagined what that day would feel like, watching her walk into school in her uniform. Some times I have wanted it to come quickly, usually on the days she has driven me slightly crazy, other times I have wanted to slow time down and keep her little and at home safely with me.

After applying almost a year ago and months of build up with leaving nursery, taster days at school and uniform buying, the day finally dawned. I watched my little girl dress herself in her uniform, so far from that small baby who was dressed in white baby grows, helpless and tiny. I brushed her long blond hair and tied it up, so far from the crazy mop of dark hair she was born with that smelt like baby shampoo and powder. I watcher her, walking hand in hand with her sister, down the street to her first day at school, in some ways so grown up, so ready for this big step and yet, still so much my little baby.

This day was so far away from what I had been imagining for the first three and a half years of IK's life. I had always thought we could go as a family, her Dad with us, hand in hand, sharing the pride of our daughter growing up, remembering the baby she was, wondering at the young woman she would grow into. The reality was different; it was just us three, braving another new adventure together. Her Dad was not there, he had completely missed this special moment in our little girl's life. It can never be re captured, but it is not the first important time he  has missed and it wont be the last. I wondered how both girls would feel looking back on their childhood and realising their Dad missed so many things. This is one of the hardest things to for me to come to terms with as a single parent. If we had both tired harder, would our girls be having a happier childhood, or was this outcome inevitable? Did his sudden departure merely save us from a few unhappy years before we eventually called time on our marriage? It’s a question I know there will never be an answer to. So I have to comfort myself that over a year on from our separation, both girls have adjusted to our new life and seem happy and content.

So I left IK in the classroom, looking slightly apprehensive but sitting ready to start this journey with the other children in her class. When I picked her up later she emerged with her usual happiness and seemed totally un phased by the big step she had taken. The funny thing about the first day of school was it is only the beginning. I had focused so much on the first day I had forgotten that she would be going every day! The world of the school run, packed lunches and homework will now dominate our lives for many years to come, but for now I am just pleased she has settled in so well 

Working, Weddings and Feeling, Well, Rubbish

Well it has been a while since my last post and that is because quite frankly life has got away from me a bit.

Working – Just in case you were wondering I didn’t take my own mug and I opted for a skirt and smart white top. It is so far so good. My first week was great, I got to meet lots of new people, drink lots of tea and drive a golf buggy. The second week was when the work started coming in, and it’s a good job I like to be busy because I think I will be. It has been more tiring than I thought, even though I am only working part time, and it is safe to say the housework and laundry have been slightly out of control, but if something has to give, I’m happy for it to be that!

Weddings – There is something quite surreal about attending a wedding with your ex husband. I will explain a bit more. One of the ex’s friends from school got married last week and it is someone I have know since before I even got together with the ex (a mutual friend thing that is too complicated to go into). So I was really touched when the girls and I were still invited to the wedding, despite having divorced his friend. We came to the mutual decision not to take the girls (small children + wedding = no fun for mummy). The wedding was beautiful and full of little individual touches that really showed the couple personality, my favourite was the song that was played during the signing of the register Stevie Wonder’s Signed Sealed Delivered (I’m yours), very cute.

The champagne and wine flowed, the food was lovely, there was much dancing and lots of fun had. But being at a wedding with the person whom you made those, supposed binding vows with was strange. It wasn’t awkward and we didn’t argue, it was just weird thinking how I’d felt the day we had got married and how it had ended. With him being so physically close, and yet our lives are now so far apart. There was a funny moment however when we were stood outside the reception having a chat about the girls and some mutual friends when a friend did a casual walk by, I think at the insistence of his wife, to make sure we were busy killing each other! It has been hard at times, to preserve our amicable relationship, and I know that it isn’t always possible; divorce is a painful and at times traumatic process that brings with it a lot of anger and resentment. But it has definitely been worth the effort, after all, we have at least 16 years of parenting our girls to do!

Feeling, well, Rubbish – The thing I hate most happened this weekend, D&V hit our house. It started with CJ and meant our plans for a weekend away visiting friend were out the window. After being up most of the night being sick she seemed ok, if tired. My mum took IK out for lunch then to play at hers so me and CJ could catch up on some much needed rest. Now I have more reasons than most to hate it when either me or the girls get sick, you see I used to suffer with emetophobia (a fear of vomit) It is a this point that many of you may laugh, but trust me when I say this fear, like many other, was debilitating and at times ruled my life. I would avoid any situation where I could potentially get trapped with someone being sick (train rides, limo rides, hotel stays etc) and I missed many birthday and hen nights. In fact it reached crisis point when IK got a tummy bug (and so did the ex) when she was about two. I was a nervous wreck and wanted to run away and leave them both. Not the caring, loving mummy reaction I would hope for. So I invested in a self hypnosis course specifically designed for emetophobia and whilst I felt generally calmer and stopped (almost completely) avoiding potentially sicky situations, I had not yet had to deal with either the girls or myself being ill (the last bout of D&V happened on daddy’s watch). So when I was calmly dealing with CJ and the unavoidable clearing up job, I did feel a bit of pride in how far I had come and that actually I was only concerned with getting her cleaned up and comforting her, much more the mummy reaction I would hope for. But it was inevitable I suppose that it would not stop with CJ, thankful it was after the girls had been collected by their Dad that the symptoms finally got the better of me and it was my mum who then stepped in. She bought me round some fizzy water and made sure I drank plenty and it was her soup that finally made me feel a bit better when my appetite returned a bit.

So, touch wood and fingers crossed, we are all ok, because this week is the big one, IK is starting School………

The start of something new

We have lots of exciting new things happening over the coming weeks, IK is starting school, CJ is starting nursery but before all that I am starting a new job tomorrow….eeeekkkk

After nearly 14 months of being a stay at home mum I am feeling both excitement and trepidation at the prospect of going back to work.

I have been really lucky to find a flexible job that will fit in around the times the girls are at school and nursery, meaning during term time I can drop the girls off and then be there to pick them up again. However as I am starting four weeks before the start of term I do need some extra help with childcare. The girls are spending some time with their Dad but I’m really grateful that my mum, sister and their other set of grandparents are also helping me out. So keeping my fingers crossed, everything should fit together nicely.

Since I was offered the job I have been focusing on the positives, becoming more financially independent, getting out the house for a few hours a week, meeting new people, and using my brain again for something more taxing than ‘what will we have for tea tonight’ Then it occurred to me, I’m going to have to use my brain for something more taxing than ‘what will we have for tea tonight’! After more than a year at home, what if everything I used to know, is no longer in my brain. What if I can’t still plan a work load, multi task and work as a team, as I said in the interview that I could. In fact this is the third time in last four and half years I have taken a year off work, meaning I have only worked a total of about 12 months since IK was born! But I’m hoping that it is like riding a bike and so I won’t have forgotten. (Although for the record I think I have forgotten how to ride a bike, so that is maybe not the best analogy!)

I know that the time I have spent at home with the girls over the last year has been really important. There has been a lot of change and insecurity and I think me being at home with them has helped all of us settle into our new home and lives. But now is definitely the right time for me to go back to work. This job is the first step in moving our lives forward; it is more independence for me and working towards my long term goal of buying us a house. But all that is for the future. My immediate concern is what should I wear tomorrow and should I take in my own mug! 

Busy Bees and Bad Behaviour

The girls and I have had a very busy 10 days. We have been to two birthday parties, a Christening, a play soft centre (as my gorgeous niece would say), the zoo, a rather crazy afternoon at a friend’s house and two sleep overs at opposite ends of the country. On top of this the girls have spent two days with their Dad doing what ever busy things they get up to with him. (It can still be a bit difficult to piece together exactly what they have done but I know they went for a Coffee and Cake and to look at bedroom furniture, the rest is still a mystery)

All of our adventures meant the girls spending a lot of time in the car, eating in many locations and sleeping in some new places. On the whole they did really well and I was, as usual, proud to say they were mine. However, IK and I did have a falling out at the zoo, for which she is only partly to blame. My friend and I had told the girls and her two boys before we went to the zoo, they could have an ice cream if they were well behaved. This, in hindsight, for IK was a mistake.

We had only been there about half an hour when the, “can I have an ice cream?” question arose. The answer was “no, you can have one after lunch.” The second the last grape was eaten at lunch time, “is it time for an ice cream” “No not quite yet, lets just wait a little while for your lunch to go down”. After what felt like the 100^th time of asking, I snapped and said if she asked one more time, there would be no ice cream at all. Inevitably 5 minuets later she asked again, so that was it, no ice cream. What had started as low level whinging and built steadily throughout the day into full on moaning, suddenly became an outright tantrum with shouting and feet stamping. At four and a half this is not behaviour I am happy to accept from her. 

And after about 15 minutes when she showed no sign on calming down I gave her a final warning, stop or we leave. Her response was to scream NNNOOOO at me. My response: we are leaving. So we did and at a rather fast pace we went back to the car, IK quite literally kicking and screaming all the way. CJ had fallen asleep in her pushchair by the time we got there so I opened all the car doors and told IK to sit in her car seat and I would talk to her once she had calmed down. 15 minutes of crying and shouting, followed by 5 minutes of quiet and she was back to her usual lovely self and ready to talk to me.

Reading this back now, I’m still not sure if I did the right thing. You see I can see I handled it badly from the start. Firstly I needed to have more patience with her, and a bit more understanding that after a busy week and a late night the previous night, she was tired. I should have also told her a specific time, such as an hour after lunch, or before we leave, for the ice cream. She still doesn’t fully grasp time and a woolly ‘later’ just doesn’t seem to work in her brain. She used to be the same when I said her Dad would be picking her up in a couple of days. As soon as I said she was going to see him, I think she thought he would appear at that very moment and then she would get very cross with me when he didn’t. In the end I got her a calendar and she sticks a sticker on the date he is coming and then we tick the days off until then. So I should know my daughter better, and for that I did and still do fell bad and its never easy to say ‘I got it wrong’ But here is the thing, I find constantly demanding, pestering, whinging, moaning, shouting and screaming unacceptable behaviour. She knows this already, she had a warning and didn’t heed it, so the consequence was we left.

I guess the thing about being a parent is you have to decide what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable to you, and then act accordingly. I suspect there are many people reading this who will think I am too strict; why didn’t I just get the poor child an ice cream (well I wanted her to eat her lunch, then she needed to let her lunch go down a bit, all of which I did explain to her) Those of you who know me will know I’m big on rules, routine and manners. They are important in our family and for the most part, it works well. As I am now on my own with the girls, I feel this is more important that ever as now the responsibility of raising them falls to entirely me. Whilst their Dad and I do communicate well, agree on most things and I know he carries on with the rules I have in place, they are my responsibility. I have to be set the boundaries, follow through with discipline, decided on what is and isn’t ok and what is and isn’t important. There is no one there to ask an opinion of, no one to talk though how best to deal with things, no one to back me up, no one to help out and no one to say if the rules are too strict or too lax. It is a massive responsibility to bear alone. Parenthood can be a daunting path for everyone and no one knows what is coming next, but when there is no one walking it with you can be overwhelming to say the least.

So IK, when you are reading this in 15 or 20 years time, I am sorry we left the zoo early that day. I fully accept my part in the incident; for not understanding you enough that day and for not having all the patience I needed to handle it better. I’m sure it is not the last time I didn’t get it all right. But I hope you now understand that we had these rules because I wanted you to grow up to be well mannered, well behaved and have good values. I wanted you to learn how to behave appropriately in many different social situations, I wanted you to learn to listen and I wanted you to respect other people. I hope I have got more right than wrong, and I know I will continue to be proud of both you and your sister.

Confused, so very confused

Ok so here is my confession of the day. I am seriously behind the majority of the word with regards to Social Media. Up until about three months ago my experience was limited to Facebook and I was quite happy to update my status with random snippets (interesting ones obviously) about my daily life, photos of the girls and generally keep up, and be nosey with what friends and a few random acquaintances were up to. Then I was introduced to the world of Twitter which is a different animal all together. I love that can follow anyone you want to which means I can keep up with what John Bishop (yum) is up to. Once I’d got my head round the # thing and that people I’d have never heard of were following, replying and re tweet things, I was away.

Now I consider myself relatively intelligent and I used to pick things up quite quickly, but two babies and a year as a SAHM means my poor brain is stodgier than the porridge I make. But this was one of the main motivating factors for starting my blog; to exercise my brain, to try and keep up with the world and to see if I can actually write.

But blogging is a BIG thing with a whole world of its own that I knew nothing about. It turns out it is not just emptying the contents of my head onto the World Wide Web. There are, amongst other things, content strategy, monetization, traffic generation, self hosting, guest blogging, pugins and communities to get to grips with. Whilst at the same time making sure what I’m blogging is interesting and has personality and integrity. I know a bit about Facebook and Twitter to promote my blog but what about Google +, Pinterest, Intragram, Linkedin and Youtube! There is so much to learn and I’m not sure where to start. I feel out the loop, out my depth and a bit like I’m the last one to the party! But my mum has a great saying for times like this “How do you eat an Elephant? One mouthful at a time!” This is certainly an elephant, so pass me the fork, I’d better get stuck in!

On to the next big thing

This week has been one of goodbyes as IK had her last day at nursery. This is a big thing for a little girl as she says goodbye to friends, teachers and her pre school days. In September, with many other people we will be entering a brave new word of the School run, uniform and stricter routine. We MUST be on time and will be tied to taking holidays and days out during School holidays, although with the governments plans to allow Schools to set their own term dates, who knows when that will be!

I wondered at the beginning of the week if I would feel sad collecting her from nursery for the last time, but I wasn’t. You see I’m not sad that she is growing up and moving on in fact I’m really pleased she is. She is much more interesting now than the baby that I bought home from hospital. She is growing up into a bright, spirited, inquisitive, fun and often cheeky girl. If she is thinking something she has to say it and if she feels something she wants us all to know about it! She loves food and has a very sophisticated palate with smoked salmon, olives and chorizo being among her favourite foods. As with all children she has her challenges, the biggest of which is her quick temper. Helping her to learn how to control and manage it has been our biggest source of anguish and distress over the last year and I have no doubt will continue to be over the coming years.  

So I didn’t cry when I picked her up for the last time that was until I read the card she had been given by her teacher. It was warmly and genuinely written and made me proud of how well my little lady is thought of. I do however think her first day of School will be an emotional business. Sending her off in her uniform for the first time, grown up and ready to take on the world (or Primary School at least) will certainly bring a tear to my eye. September will also see CJ starting nursery and I’m 99% certain there will be tears all round there. I must stock up on tissues in August!!

But before we get to the new beginnings there is the summer holiday to contend with. I, like millions of other mums (and dads!) will be wondering how to keep them occupied for 6 weeks, and in our case, on a budget as well. (So all tips / advice / suggestions gratefully received.)

Wednesday Words - I am Woman

Yesterday was one of those difficult days, when for no particular reason the girls seemed to have forgotten how to share or play nicely together. They spend most of the day falling out with each other, wanting the toy or book the other one had, shouting at each other, pulling each other’s hair and generally being unpleasant. It was hot yesterday, lovely if you want to sit and not do a lot, but when your trying to wrestle a toddler into clothes, or chase them round with sun cream or a hair brush its not as much fun.

By 10 o’clock I felt frazzled; the heat and horrible behaviour meant I was in a pretty awful mood myself and kept snapping at the girls, which did nothing to improve the situation. The day was in a downward cycle and I felt as though nothing could rescue the situation. But then a song came on the iPod, Helen Reddy’s I am Woman and IK shouted ‘Mummy it’s our song’

It is indeed our song and so I decided to share the lyrics today for my Wednesday Words. When we were first on our own it became our anthem, I’m a bit of a closet Country Music fan and the lyrics summed up so eloquently the way I was trying so desperately to feel.  We would put it on, turn the volume up and sing and dance together and it always made me feel better. We haven’t listened to it for ages but as we turned it up yesterday and danced round the dinning room together, I instantly felt happier and I realised I wasn’t trying to feel strong anymore because I do feel strong ….well most of the time!

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton