Confused, so very confused

Ok so here is my confession of the day. I am seriously behind the majority of the word with regards to Social Media. Up until about three months ago my experience was limited to Facebook and I was quite happy to update my status with random snippets (interesting ones obviously) about my daily life, photos of the girls and generally keep up, and be nosey with what friends and a few random acquaintances were up to. Then I was introduced to the world of Twitter which is a different animal all together. I love that can follow anyone you want to which means I can keep up with what John Bishop (yum) is up to. Once I’d got my head round the # thing and that people I’d have never heard of were following, replying and re tweet things, I was away.

Now I consider myself relatively intelligent and I used to pick things up quite quickly, but two babies and a year as a SAHM means my poor brain is stodgier than the porridge I make. But this was one of the main motivating factors for starting my blog; to exercise my brain, to try and keep up with the world and to see if I can actually write.

But blogging is a BIG thing with a whole world of its own that I knew nothing about. It turns out it is not just emptying the contents of my head onto the World Wide Web. There are, amongst other things, content strategy, monetization, traffic generation, self hosting, guest blogging, pugins and communities to get to grips with. Whilst at the same time making sure what I’m blogging is interesting and has personality and integrity. I know a bit about Facebook and Twitter to promote my blog but what about Google +, Pinterest, Intragram, Linkedin and Youtube! There is so much to learn and I’m not sure where to start. I feel out the loop, out my depth and a bit like I’m the last one to the party! But my mum has a great saying for times like this “How do you eat an Elephant? One mouthful at a time!” This is certainly an elephant, so pass me the fork, I’d better get stuck in!

On to the next big thing

This week has been one of goodbyes as IK had her last day at nursery. This is a big thing for a little girl as she says goodbye to friends, teachers and her pre school days. In September, with many other people we will be entering a brave new word of the School run, uniform and stricter routine. We MUST be on time and will be tied to taking holidays and days out during School holidays, although with the governments plans to allow Schools to set their own term dates, who knows when that will be!

I wondered at the beginning of the week if I would feel sad collecting her from nursery for the last time, but I wasn’t. You see I’m not sad that she is growing up and moving on in fact I’m really pleased she is. She is much more interesting now than the baby that I bought home from hospital. She is growing up into a bright, spirited, inquisitive, fun and often cheeky girl. If she is thinking something she has to say it and if she feels something she wants us all to know about it! She loves food and has a very sophisticated palate with smoked salmon, olives and chorizo being among her favourite foods. As with all children she has her challenges, the biggest of which is her quick temper. Helping her to learn how to control and manage it has been our biggest source of anguish and distress over the last year and I have no doubt will continue to be over the coming years.  

So I didn’t cry when I picked her up for the last time that was until I read the card she had been given by her teacher. It was warmly and genuinely written and made me proud of how well my little lady is thought of. I do however think her first day of School will be an emotional business. Sending her off in her uniform for the first time, grown up and ready to take on the world (or Primary School at least) will certainly bring a tear to my eye. September will also see CJ starting nursery and I’m 99% certain there will be tears all round there. I must stock up on tissues in August!!

But before we get to the new beginnings there is the summer holiday to contend with. I, like millions of other mums (and dads!) will be wondering how to keep them occupied for 6 weeks, and in our case, on a budget as well. (So all tips / advice / suggestions gratefully received.)

Wednesday Words - I am Woman

Yesterday was one of those difficult days, when for no particular reason the girls seemed to have forgotten how to share or play nicely together. They spend most of the day falling out with each other, wanting the toy or book the other one had, shouting at each other, pulling each other’s hair and generally being unpleasant. It was hot yesterday, lovely if you want to sit and not do a lot, but when your trying to wrestle a toddler into clothes, or chase them round with sun cream or a hair brush its not as much fun.

By 10 o’clock I felt frazzled; the heat and horrible behaviour meant I was in a pretty awful mood myself and kept snapping at the girls, which did nothing to improve the situation. The day was in a downward cycle and I felt as though nothing could rescue the situation. But then a song came on the iPod, Helen Reddy’s I am Woman and IK shouted ‘Mummy it’s our song’

It is indeed our song and so I decided to share the lyrics today for my Wednesday Words. When we were first on our own it became our anthem, I’m a bit of a closet Country Music fan and the lyrics summed up so eloquently the way I was trying so desperately to feel.  We would put it on, turn the volume up and sing and dance together and it always made me feel better. We haven’t listened to it for ages but as we turned it up yesterday and danced round the dinning room together, I instantly felt happier and I realised I wasn’t trying to feel strong anymore because I do feel strong ….well most of the time!

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

Potty training: a learning experience for both of us.

That time has crept up on me again. Some how CJ is now two and the signs are were there that she is ready give knickers a go. Over the last few weeks I’ve come up with a few reasons to delay it, holidays, day trips, parties but mostly it was just that I wasn’t ready. You see I’m not very good with mess in general and potty training is the ultimate in mess management. But I didn’t want to miss the window of opportunity, so I decided that when they came home from their last visit with their Dad we would get straight on with it. So on Friday we were in through the door, the nappy was off and the knickers were on.

There is a plethora of advice / theories / strategies on potty training. Pull up nappies, books, reward charts, stickers, fancy singing potties and who knows what else. All designed to make the process easier, or if you’re a bit cynical, to make you part with a bit more money. And with IK, we went for it in a big way! In fact I got myself into a right kerfuffle with the whole business ‘Was she ready?’ ‘What if she poo’d whilst we were in Morrisons?’ ‘How would I possibly manage the torrent of wee and poo that was about to surge from this small child’

So I turned to a good friend with two slightly older children for advice. She told me the best thing she had done with her second was to wait till he was really ready and could recognise the feeling of need to go, without her having to constantly remind him. It had made the whole process quicker, less messy and less stressful all round. Her words were wise and meant I decided to leave in IK in nappies for a while longer. So when 4 months later she asked me if she could wear knickers instead of nappies because the other girls at nursery did, she went dry straight away and has only ever had a handful of accidents.

However I promptly forgot all this on Friday and by the time bedtime arrived I was a frazzeled mess and so grateful to put a nappy on CJ. We had wee and poo in the knickers, on the chair, the sofa and the carpet.  Aaarrrrhhhh!!! I had found myself saying ‘Do you need a wee?’ or ‘Remind mummy when you need a wee’ about every 5 minuets which just upset CJ and she still wee’d everywhere but the potty!

So on Saturday morning I wondered if she just wasn’t ready and thought about keeping her in nappies. But I decided to persevere; I pointed out where the potty was, with more hope than expectation and then went for a shower. Much to my surprise, 5 minuets later, CJ walked in, sat on the potty and had a poo. No fuss, no bother and no reminding. A big kiss and cuddle for her and a light bulb moment for me. I had forgotten the wise words and I had been going about it all wrong. I didn’t want to ‘train’ her to use the potty when I told her to, I wanted her to learn to go when she needed to. I realised I quite literally had to let her do it in her own time.

So I gave my controlling side a stern word to give the poor little thing some space and a reminder of what my role was in the process; To show CJ were the potty was, gently reminder her if it been a while since went (and I mean an hour Emma, not 5 minuets), clean up any mess and most importantly congratulate her when she does well.

And she has done well, she had only one accident yesterday and today #veryproudmummy. Yes there will still be accidents and the inevitable ‘I need a wee’ usually at the most inconvenient moment, like when you’ve just put your shopping on the checkout or your stuck in town in traffic. But I know I will just deal with any mess, and maybe have to find a new supermarket to shop in!  

So I feel I can say that potty training has been a success, not just because CJ is now clean and dry in the day but also because she reminded me that as a mum sometimes it is important for me to relax and run with it and that positivity is always better than stress. Well done CJ, you clever thing.

And the Kitten make four

One of the things I miss most about my life PD (pre divorce) is Freddie, or Brown Bear as we affectionately called him. Freddie is a rather large, over excitable chocolate Labrador. The ex and I got him shortly before we were married and he was part of our family in a big way. He was a nightmare puppy, eating the fence, the shed, the door frames, the expanding foam out of the door frame, (which required a trip to the emergency vet on Christmas Eve!!) contact lenses, a pavlova, the contents of the bin on most days and more dog toys that I could count. But he was loyal, loving and a great excuse for a long walk. So when the girls and I moved it was with a heavy heart that I realised he wouldn’t be ale to come with us. My housing options were limited to a choice of one; it is small and only has a little court yard garden. I knew keeping him would be very impractical, but couldn't bare the part with him, so I was really pleased when my in laws, who have always had a soft spot for him anyway, offered to take him on. They have a lovely big garden, lots of doggy friendly walking on their doorstep and most importantly the time he needs.

So for the last year we have been a pet free household and it did feel as though there was something missing, apart from my ex husband! I’d been thinking about getting a kitten for a while, but I am a self confessed ditherer and now I’m on my own my ability to make decisions seems to be getting worse. So I asked my four year old, IK, for her opinion on the matter. Her eyes lit up, her smile widened and he said ‘Yeah mummy, lets do it’ Decision made! As this was about a month before went away I decided to be sensible and wait till we got back, however this did mean I had a whole 4 weeks of IK chatting about the kitten and asking when we would be getting it.

I called the lady at the local cat rescue place and her response of ‘Now you do know its going to be like having a new born baby in the house?’ still makes me chuckle. I assured her that after a puppy and two babies I was quite prepared for the work involved, but my only stipulation was we had to have a female. This is a house of girls and we are not ready for any male intrusion just yet! So just over a week ago Koko (IK 's choice of name) came home and so far she has fitted very nicely into our life.

Now the only similarities I can find between her and a new born baby is they are both small and both very cute. I feed Koko three little meals a day, she has a few toys she plays with and she sits on my knee for some fuss when it suits her. She likes to hide and so far I have found her in the bathroom cupboard, in the shopping basket of the pushchair, behind the sofa and in the dolls pram. She is fluffy and has the loudest purr I think I have ever heard but she is fairly low maintenance.

My memories of both of mine being newborns are a bit hazy but they were certainly not low maintenance. There was lots of crying, from me and them, explosive nappies, so much washing and not much sleeping going on at all. There was also a general feeling of confusion about what day and time it was, should I be dressed and when exactly did I last have a shower. I often found myself wondering if either the baby or myself should be eating something, that was if could remember when either of us last did. And then there was the big one, how were we going to leave the house, ever. Taking a newborn out for the first time is a gargantuan effort and a logistical nightmare that for many new mother, awash with hormones and overly emotional, can feel the equivalent of climbing Everest!

So I can say that without doubt, having a kitten is not the same as having a newborn. Koko is a long term commitment and does need love and attention, but nothing like on the same scale as a baby….thank goodness 

Wednesday Words

I’m a bit new to the world of blogging and Twitter and I occasionally feel as though I’m missing out on the party! But today I kept seeing #WednesdayWords and though I should investigate. It was started by a mummy blogger @crazywithtwins to share quotes, poems, lyrics etc (although I apologise to Emma now if this is quite right)

I like to join in so I thought I’d give it a go.  I love quotes; they can say so succinctly what I’m thinking, make me what to get off my bum and do something or move me to tears. A good friend and I often share inspirational quotes (together with pictures of glasses of wine and chocolate) to give us a lift during those difficult days. So my first WednesdayWords is for her. She has a difficult day to face tomorrow and I wish I was closer to help and support her.

I love this quote, it reminds us that everything that’s happens, good and bad, is what makes us, us. We have both tested the old adage ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ especially over the last year. But through all the tough times she has stayed positive, with a strong resolve to build a great life and it has made her the understanding, thoughtful, kind, generous and lovely person that I’m lucky enough to call my friend

“Everything that happens to us leaves some trace behind; everything contributes imperceptibly to make us what we are” 

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What I wish I'd known....

Today marks my first anniversary as a single mum. The day the ex left he took with him his things and the corner stone of my life; everything came crashing down. I knew as he closed the door behind him I was starting on a journey I never thought I would take. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would love to go back to that moment; I would sit myself down with a tissue and a cup of tea and tell myself a few things.

The first steps are the hardest – Packing the first box to leave your old family home, going to a new playgroup for the first time, going on a first date or the first run. But the more first steps you take the easier they become. Don’t let you world become small. Just take a deep breath, smile and step into the unknown you never know when it will take you somewhere great, like to a new friend.

You can do more than you think – Finding a house, making it a home, choosing a School for IK,  dealing with a slugs, managed sleeping problems, tantrums and anger, setting up the computer, running 5K, building bunk beds, starting a blog and dealing with everyday dramas. Give it all a go and surprise yourself

Not everyone will be there for you as you thought – But that’s ok, everyone has there own lives and you won’t be there for everyone either. Be grateful for those people who are. You have an amazing family and some great friends who will help you in hundreds of different ways (and much more than they will ever know.)

Not every question will have an answer – Think carefully before you ask, the answer might not be one you want to hear or there simply may be no answer at all. Not everything will make sense. For your own health and happiness, let some things go.

Not everything is you fault, or his – It takes two to tango as they say. The choice to leave was his but you both could have done more. The important thing is to find a way to get along so you can both continue to be the kind of parents you want for the girls. There will be times to stand your ground and times to compromise. Remember not everything makes sense and some things just aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person and you haven’t failed, which leads to my next point.

When the time is right, you will be able to let go – The hardest thing to come to terms with will be the feeling that your life will never be right again. The deep held believe that if you are no longer married to the girl’s dad things are just wrong. As you have been through your first year as a family of three and have enjoyed Christmas, birthday’s and a holiday this feeling will fade and you will realised that your little family it still great, its not what you thought it was going to be but it is amazing. Forgiveness will take time, but it is the key to moving on.

This time next year – You will be stronger, wiser and happier. You will be looking back at the hardest year of your life and realising you have survived it. You will have re built the foundations of your life and provided a stable, loving, happy home for the girls. You will be looking to the challenges of the future with excitement not fear, you will value what you already have with love and gratitude and you will have a true belief that you have the strength to deal with what ever comes next

You will be ok – You are stronger than you know and the bond of your family comes from the love you have for your girls, that can never be broken and neither can you