The
girls and I have had a very busy 10 days. We have been to two birthday parties,
a Christening, a play soft centre (as my gorgeous niece would say), the zoo, a
rather crazy afternoon at a friend’s house and two sleep overs at opposite ends
of the country. On top of this the girls have spent two days with their Dad
doing what ever busy things they get up to with him. (It can still be a bit
difficult to piece together exactly what they have done but I know they went
for a Coffee and Cake and to look at bedroom furniture, the rest is still a
mystery)
All
of our adventures meant the girls spending a lot of time in the car, eating in
many locations and sleeping in some new places. On the whole they did really
well and I was, as usual, proud to say they were mine. However, IK and I did
have a falling out at the zoo, for which she is only partly to blame. My friend
and I had told the girls and her two boys before we went to the zoo, they could
have an ice cream if they were well behaved. This, in hindsight, for IK was a
mistake.
We
had only been there about half an hour when the, “can I have an ice cream?”
question arose. The answer was “no, you can have one after lunch.” The second
the last grape was eaten at lunch time, “is it time for an ice cream” “No not
quite yet, lets just wait a little while for your lunch to go down”. After what
felt like the 100th time of asking, I snapped and said if she asked
one more time, there would be no ice cream at all. Inevitably 5 minuets later
she asked again, so that was it, no ice cream. What had started as low level whinging
and built steadily throughout the day into full on moaning, suddenly became an
outright tantrum with shouting and feet stamping. At four and a half this is
not behaviour I am happy to accept from her.
And
after about 15 minutes when she showed no sign on calming down I gave her a
final warning, stop or we leave. Her response was to scream NNNOOOO at me. My
response: we are leaving. So we did and at a rather fast pace we went back to
the car, IK quite literally kicking and screaming all the way. CJ had fallen
asleep in her pushchair by the time we got there so I opened all the car doors
and told IK to sit in her car seat and I would talk to her once she had calmed
down. 15 minutes of crying and shouting, followed by 5 minutes of quiet and she
was back to her usual lovely self and ready to talk to me.
Reading
this back now, I’m still not sure if I did the right thing. You see I can see I
handled it badly from the start. Firstly I needed to have more patience with
her, and a bit more understanding that after a busy week and a late night the
previous night, she was tired. I should have also told her a specific time,
such as an hour after lunch, or before we leave, for the ice cream. She still
doesn’t fully grasp time and a woolly ‘later’ just doesn’t seem to work in her
brain. She used to be the same when I said her Dad would be picking her up in a
couple of days. As soon as I said she was going to see him, I think she thought
he would appear at that very moment and then she would get very cross with me
when he didn’t. In the end I got her a calendar and she sticks a sticker on the
date he is coming and then we tick the days off until then. So I should know my
daughter better, and for that I did and still do fell bad and its never easy to
say ‘I got it wrong’ But here is the thing, I find constantly demanding, pestering,
whinging, moaning, shouting and screaming unacceptable behaviour. She knows
this already, she had a warning and didn’t heed it, so the consequence was we
left.
I
guess the thing about being a parent is you have to decide what behaviour is
and isn’t acceptable to you, and then act accordingly. I suspect there are many
people reading this who will think I am too strict; why didn’t I just get the
poor child an ice cream (well I wanted her to eat her lunch, then she needed to
let her lunch go down a bit, all of which I did explain to her) Those of you
who know me will know I’m big on rules, routine and manners. They are important
in our family and for the most part, it works well. As I am now on my own with
the girls, I feel this is more important that ever as now the responsibility of
raising them falls to entirely me. Whilst their Dad and I do communicate well,
agree on most things and I know he carries on with the rules I have in place, they
are my responsibility. I have to be set the boundaries, follow through with
discipline, decided on what is and isn’t ok and what is and isn’t important.
There is no one there to ask an opinion of, no one to talk though how best to
deal with things, no one to back me up, no one to help out and no one to say if
the rules are too strict or too lax. It is a massive responsibility to bear
alone. Parenthood can be a daunting path for everyone and no one knows what is
coming next, but when there is no one walking it with you can be overwhelming
to say the least.
So
IK, when you are reading this in 15 or 20 years time, I am sorry we left the
zoo early that day. I fully accept my part in the incident; for not
understanding you enough that day and for not having all the patience I needed
to handle it better. I’m sure it is not the last time I didn’t get it all right.
But I hope you now understand that we had these rules because I wanted you to
grow up to be well mannered, well behaved and have good values. I wanted you to
learn how to behave appropriately in many different social situations, I wanted
you to learn to listen and I wanted you to respect other people. I hope I have
got more right than wrong, and I know I will continue to be proud of both you
and your sister.
